If I Had Only Known
by byakushisakura
Summary: A oneshot written for Soji's birthday.


Soji was sitting up against the wall outside his room with Saizo on his lap. Normally he would be on the edge of the deck but his body had become too weak to even do that. He forced a small smile as some of his men walked by and waved, it was clear that they were worried about their captain but they tried not to show it. When they left he was alone once again, with everyone busy that's the way it was most of the time these days. He was tired, but since he wasn't sure if he could get back to his bed on his own he let his body fall sideways as he drifted off to sleep.

Hijikata had just gotten back from a short trip out of town and was heading to his room when he saw the younger male asleep outside. He sighed and picked Soji up, frowning as he felt how thin he had gotten. Soji gripped the vice-commanders shirt and gave him no choice other than to stay here with him. He sat down in the man's room and held him on his lap. He knew that the captain hadn't been feeling well for the last couple of days and on top of that he was pretty much alone most of the time.

Kondo reminded the other male that Soji's birthday was the next day, they wanted to do something special for the man since everyone knew that he didn't have much longer left. Hijikata had been in love with him for quite some time but he never confessed, knowing that the younger male would be better off if he dated someone else. He sighed and leaned against the wall as he held Soji close to him. He decided that when Soji woke up he would tell him, all he wanted to do was make him happy and this was the best way he could think of.

A little while later Soji woke up and started to cough, Hijikata stroked his back as he waited for the fit to stop. He used a cloth to wipe the blood from his mouth and instead of saying anything he kissed him. The younger male knew what this meant and tears started to flow down his cheeks as he smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever. Hijikata pulled away soon, not wanting him to start coughing again.

He held the man close to him and stayed like that all night as they slept. The next day Hijikata woke up first and let Soji sleep for a little longer, the party was planned for that afternoon so they wouldn't have to wake him up. He woke up several hours later after it had started to rain, hijikata helped him stand and gave the other a minute to catch his breath before walking slowly with him towards the dining hall, while holding an umbrella over his head.

When they arrived all of the captains as well as the commander and Tetsu were already there. They all sat down in a circle and drank tea as they talked for hours, Soji mostly listened but he didn't mind since everyone was there with him. He stayed leaned up against the vice-commander, and just enjoyed this time, knowing that everyone had put off whatever work they had to do this. They had prepared some soup for dinner since it was one of the few things that he would eat. Afterwards Kondo brought out some sweets, which caused Soji's eyes to grow wide, no one had allowed him to have any of his favourite treats for a while.

The candy helped him to stay awake for a while but before long he fell asleep on the others shoulder, hijikata smiled as he saw how happy the male seemed. He excused himself and carried Soji back to his room before laying on the bed with him

That was just over a week ago, the weather had been good since then but Soji's condition had only worsened. Hijikata spent pretty much all of his time with the other, not wanting to leave him alone. He even brought his work into the younger males room.

One night Soji had woken up early to a coughing fit and looked outside. "Hijikata-san… c-can we watch the sunrise?" He asked weakly.

Hijikata nodded and picked him up before carrying him outside. He brought him to the edge of the deck and sat down as he wrapped the other in a blanket. Holding the male against him he smiled slightly and kissed the man's cheek as the sun slowly rose.

Soji rested his head on his lovers shoulder and watched the sunrise, smiling the whole time. He held the man's hand and squeezed it weakly. "Thank you…" He said quietly as the sun got higher in the sky. "I-I'm sorry." He closed his eyes and slowly drifted off, his body relaxing as he did so, until he let go of the others hand. After a minute he was gone…

Hijikata realized what was happening as he thanked him and hugged the other tightly while taking in his scent for what he knew would be the last time. He felt tears run down his cheeks as he recalled the memories of when they were younger, before the shinsengumi was formed. "Idiot, I'm the one who should be saying that." He said as he started to wish that they would have had more time together. He quickly forced the tears to stop, knowing that everyone was waking up.

He carried Soji back inside and placed him on his bed before going to tell Kondo what had happened, afterwards he locked himself in his room and stayed there until the funeral the next day. He showed up but stayed away from everyone else, only approaching the small wooden marker after they all left, placing a bag of the others favourite candy next to it. "Figured you would like this more than a flower." He said. "I shouldn't have spent all that time pushing you away, I loved you for so long but never thought that you returned my feelings. I'm sorry that i couldn't do more for you." He felt the tears come back as he quickly left and focused completely on his work so he wouldn't think about it.

As much as he tried to push away the memory of the male he had come to love, Hijikata would find himself thinking about him from time to time. The pain he felt in his heart never lessened, not even a little but he learned to hide it better, and every night in his dreams he would find the younger male waiting for him as they would relive their last moments together, the only difference was that this time he was healthy and it lasted all night.


End file.
